TIP: WHEN DATE NIGHTS AREN’T HAPPENING, DATE LUNCH.

Before kids, Terry and I had pretty consistent date nights. It was great and kinda effortless, even with our busy schedules. And then… things… changed.

I remember our first date nights after having both boys. Each time I was exhausted and we couldn’t be gone long because I was nursing, and infants seem to eat nonstop. It felt kinda rushed and maybe a little forced, but we were both so grateful for just those moments together. Even though we would inevitably talk about the boys the whole time.

Even as the boys got older, consistent date nights were still hard to pull off: locking down a sitter, finding energy at the end of a long day, wondering if the boys were in bed on time and everything went smoothly, etc. On a one-off basis, we could pull it off, but consistently, it just wasn’t realistic. Date nights weren’t happening.

There are times in your marriage when you have to look at the situation and say, “This isn’t working for us. It’s great advice for most people, but just doesn’t fit in our rhythm.” That’s OKAY. It’s better to recognize it early and adjust. It may take some trial and error, but that is also OKAY. You’re trying. You’re figuring it out together, and that’s what matters most.

A few months ago my friend Jalyn mentioned that she and her husband Greg have date lunches. Mind. Blown. We hadn’t really thought out of the stereotypical “date night” box, but that simple switch would make a WORLD of difference. Because during the lunch hour:

The kids are already in their regular routine at school, so we don’t have to figure that part out.
We both take lunches anyway. Since my schedule is more flexible, I can meet Terry close to his office.
We have more energy in the middle of the day than late at night.

WIN-WIN-WIN! We now get regular, committed quality time, and it’s not stressful or super inconvenient.

Extra take-away: Have friends in your circle whose marriage you admire. Jalyn and Greg have SO much wisdom and their family is part of our tribe. We do life with them regularly, which means we are constantly learning from their example in even subtle ways. If you’re married and you don’t have other married friends who (1) have a (non-perfect) marriage you respect and (2) you hang with regularly, make an adjustment.

Remember, your spouse will not complete you.

SINGLE SPIN: I’ve always loved quality time with myself. When I was single, my friends would make fun of me for going to the movies or to dinner alone. But I really do love myself, haha! I actually think a lot of married people would say they WISH they had more alone time now. So, don’t forsake the peace and quiet. Loving and enjoying yourself is certainly one of the BEST things you can do in preparation for marriage. Remember, your spouse will not complete you. You will be one complete human being joining with another complete human being to do some really cool stuff together. Not being whole and content within yourself leads to neediness and discontentment and a whole bunch of other purpose-distracting arguments.

DATING DOSE: Intimacy and Dating... hmmm this could get very long haha! For now, I’ll just touch on the quality time aspect of “dating intimacy.” It can be awkward, right? One person wants to hang out all the time and the other not so much. The key is to figure out what works best for you and make adjustments. Here’s an example: Terry was my very first boyfriend, so I didn’t really know how it worked (poor guy). I remember him wanting to hang out… a lot. At one point I actually told him, “I am in college, and I have to study.”

You see, Terry was one of those students who didn’t bring notes or anything to class — he’d just let the information soak into his brain and would still ace all his tests (side eye). ASHLEY, on the other hand, had ALL of the highlighters and practice tests and maybe a voice recorder so that she could later review every. single. word. I was clearly doing it wrong. Graciously, Terry was able to look past my very direct, potentially-hurtful-at-times communication style (I know Terry is saying AMEN in his head as he reads this) and see my heart — I was afraid. I’d gotten my first ever “C” during my second semester of college, after being a straight “A” student in high school, and needed to make my priorities clear. So he adjusted — he suggested something new: “how about we hang while we study!” We’d meet up at the PCL (Hook ‘Em, Horns!) and study together. Well, I was studying… Terry was doing whatever… but it was a great compromise, and it worked for us!

So when you’re dating (and married), you learn how to navigate communication styles and recalibrate. More on communication in relationships to come!