TIP: JOINT CALENDAR + SHARED NOTES

In the past, many of our “passionate discussions” (wink) centered around our non-stop schedule. So, I figured I’d share two quick, practical tools for communicating with your spouse about all of the craziness of life: joint calendars and shared notes.

Our iPhones make both of these easy, but I imagine there’s an option on other devices as well.

Why we use a Joint Calendar

This is how it went in the past:

Ashley: “Hey Babe, are you good for tomorrow night?”

Terry: “What’s tomorrow night?”

Ashley: “Remember? Girl’s night at Eloise Nichols...”

Terry: “Oh, I didn’t know.”

Ashley: “Well… I did mention it. Do we need to get a sitter?”

Terry: “No. It’s fine.”

BUT THEN WE FIGURED IT OUT.

This is how it goes now:

*Ashley, going about her day.*

iCal Notification: “Photo shoot at the crib.”

Ashley: “Oh cool, that got scheduled!”

DONEZO. Boom shackalacka.

Here’s one of our joint calendar items. If you’re in Houston, come party with us!

Why we use a Shared Notes

Below is a picture of our grocery list. As a shared note, both Terry and I can access and edit the list. Throughout the week, we both add things as needed. Used the last of the toilet paper? Add it. Remembered you want to try that new type of pasta? Put it on the list. It’s great because you can update it whenever, wherever. By the time Terry makes the weekly grocery run, the list is mostly ready to go!

Side note: Let’s just have a moment of gratitude to Terry for doing the grocery shopping and cooking for our family. Amen.

We also use shared notes for planning parties, like our kids’ birthdays, and even idea sharing and goals lists.

Here’s an example of our shared grocery list!

“A standard is not something you strive to live up to, it’s something you refuse to live beneath.”

SINGLE SPIN: How are you communicating your standards to potential suitors? Would your actions, what you post on social media, etc. attract the kind of spouse you want? My youth pastor, Catherine Rudolph, said this, and I’ve never forgotten it: “A standard is not something you strive to live up to, it’s something you refuse to live beneath.” I was in high school, had never had a boyfriend, and was stuck going to prom with my “best guy friend” who had just broken up with my other friend, so happened to be available. How romantic. A year before this, I’d entertained talking to a guy who I didn’t even like, but just desperately wanted to fill that “boyfriend” void. When I had excitedly told my friend CJ about this guy asking me out, I remember her saying, “Name one thing you actually like about this guy.” (Have I mentioned the people in my life were super direct? Ha!) But I appreciated it. I was desperate desperate. God knows what I was saved from by her keeping it real.

Don’t settle. You. Are. Worth. It. All. Communicate a high standard so you don’t attract the flies. Communicate greatness so that the guy or gal of your dreams isn’t right there looking for it, but doesn’t see it in you.

DATING DOSE: Full disclosure — Terry was the only guy I ever technically dated. Don’t at me about the “technically” part – another story for another day. So, I can’t say I have a ton of experience in the dating department. Also, Terry and I were friends before we started dating, so we knew each other pretty well. Despite all of this, I encourage communicating what’s important to you sooner than later, because you don’t want to waste your time. Should you tell someone your deepest darkest secrets on the first date? Of course not. Take some time to get to know them and see if it’s even worth it. But at some point, when things get more serious, it’s wise to discuss some of these questions. It will make your marriage easier:

Do you like to travel?
Describe your ideal vacation (mine would be chilling in Ghana, while Terry’s would be hiking mountains and running trails in the American Southwest. Good to know!)
How do you view caring for aging parents?
What do you think about paying for external family members’ bills or loaning them money?
Kids or nah? If so, how many?
Private or public school?
Do you plan to pay for your kids’ college?
How much debt are we looking at? Would we pay off our debts separately or jointly?
Would you combine finances with your spouse or keep everything completely separate?
Do you care about where you live (major city, rural, does it matter)?
Would you be open to moving for my job or your job?
What are your dreams? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 30 years?

You’re not drilling them hard on these questions, just getting a feel for where they stand. These are just examples, but the point is, it’s not just about their looks or personality – there are some pretty important things that can be discussed ahead of time to help you in the long run. The “being friends first route” is golden because some of these questions could naturally get answered before you’re even in a relationship.

A friend told me she and her husband never discussed the aging parents question, and now they’re in a pickle because they don’t agree and both feel strongly. If you find you have different views, it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it’s good to have an idea of what’s important to them. People change, and the answers could shift as you grow together — that’s fine too! The goal: have an understanding of where this person’s heart is and how they see their life playing out.